oh me and my contradictions.

Fun contradictions are fun. And changes, you know how i use to be huggy? Well I cant for the life of me bring myself to do it now. I mean hell, a few people looked so sad...adn i have hugged them before just to try and make them feel better, but i couldnt, horrible of me eh?

And I think I have put myself into a wierd subconscious hate-mainstream things idea, while wanting to like, and liking things easier, that are mainstream. So odd. Geass is getting super popular amongst friends, I am getting annoyed by it. and i think it is because of everyone liking it. (Or maybe it is all the lelouch obsessing, i never really liked him >.> *puts up flame shield). Yet Gurren is more mainstream, and part of my love of DBZ is its critical appraise (and a chunk of nostalgia). How odd of me.

Lets see...I am growing really annoyed with anime and manga. They all keep with the same repeats, no real change. I just find the same stories, characters, everything, no twists. Then weaboos piss me off more than usual recently, getting really annoying. And I am about to shoot people who spam same 8 random fucking japanese words. (Internet raaaaaeg) (screw desu) But i know, I shouldnt judge just A/M, all mediums are like that when you look, etc. But i mean, my god, Lelouch's design is almost exactly the same as 8 other characters, I get so annoyed seeing characters that look like him, or the guy in the vampire manga that is stupid but has cool school outfits, or fruits baskets, etc. And I get annoyed with the fact that same power=same back story and personality.

I guess i am just prefering comics. At least there it is different mixes. I mean, I wont lie, the same powers are between many characters (only ones that seem mostly unique is Spidey and Green Lanterns), but the stories and personality of those characters are different.

But I guess, in the end it is me realizing and admitting to myself, after all these years, the reason i always feel out of place at anime cons, and all this stuff related to it, and it is because I never have been comfortable with half this stuff. I never cared as obsessively for japanese culture, I find pocky and ramune disgusting and only dealt with it to fit in with friends, and beyond the half dozen to a dozen series I absolutely adore (OP, TTGL, CG, E7, Jojo, Black Cat...) I couldnt get into it. Spamming japanese always pissed me off. I never cared for asian food bar a few things (though then again, I am an italian person...well. Pizza. and Spaghetti. And Lasagna, but lets be honest, that is all italy makes. ) and all these random things that have made me feel more and more disconnected.

Hell, even my card gaming has been going western. And my video gaming. Ive been becoming mroe western shooter gamer. Playing Magic more...

Odd.

But i have been thinking, why is it the people I want to reconcile most with i am having hardest time starting. I think...Maybe it is because i never addressed anger and reconciled my guilt? I mean, I would be lying if i said i was not angry at a few people different times...But i bit down, accepted every part of blame thinking i deserved every part, even things that where utter bs. And I let the guilt become me (and still hold some), and I guess...at this point it is because I never addressed the feelings i had, and I never got past the guilt. I mean, I had the issues with laura i had with others, and with Tay, but with both of them...Had a period where we both hated each other, bitched, ignored, despised, calmed, patched stuff up, apologized...I think I need to do that...But i cant.

Heh, I guess another part of comics that have won me over is how well they turn the simplest things into good maxisms that can work in real life. I mean, I love some anime lines, but they dont apply well. TTGL's quotes may be epic, but not good with reality, same with DBZ. But hell, the basis of a giant group in the G.L. series, their motto is so simple and enchanting. All will be well...God i wanna believe that, I want to hope like the Blue Lanterns...But why can't i jump path these few issues i have...

In the end, do I just really not care anymore? Amm I trying to fool myself, when really I have become content with the internet friends and lonliness?

Or am I afraid of getting hurt or hurting more?

Or somewhere deep down did I fall for people I know i cant have, or know i will, and dont want to do that?

God damn...Why cant i do this.

Come on me...Off of this. Snap past it...