Shishishishi going from happy to sad and depressed, sure to worried and doubt, insanity. Weeee.

Okay, need to do a ton of catch up.

Okay, lets see. I caved in, and gave up on laura. Asked out emily. So yeh. We are dating, since i told tay so now like 5 people know. Bren told alex, and ben knows, and whitney is suspicious and ben will tell her probably. Leaving basically Mo and Jess the only ot be unknowing. So just saying it to end the confusion and ideas. We are yeh.

And i am alternating between pure sureness, doubt, and middle ground. I like her, i know that. But i still have bits of doubt and worry. although, i guess it is more worry on myself, did i rush into this too fast when i still like laura, am i just trying to make her jealous or use her for lust, etc. But i know i like her. Although it is odd, i am sorta at a point where i know there is something, but it does not fully register and feel like we are dating. There is still a sorta distance where i feel like i should not do this. And there is also a small feeling where it is like, hrm, like we know something is there but are not acting on it. Then there are times when we are together where it felt fine...I guess the main issue is we so rarely have hung out in person, hanging out mroe will end this. Though i think- hope- this works. And that i don't hurt her, or her me.

Before i forget, all of you, this friday, no school, we are sooooooooooooooo going to go see DBZ movie, got it? Kay, kay. good. Spread this to Ben, and whoever else we want to invite, kay?

Now onto the usual ranting, probably condensed since i am tired.

Lets see hung out with Dad bro and his frined for food and swimming. Getting sick of everyone all the time telling me "Stop acting superior" "why feel superior" "your not that great" when we are argueing or debating or anything like that. During times when you are trying to prove your right, when you should act like that. God fuck it. Every time they do that they act just like i am, making themselves hypocritical bastards, what you want me to think i am wrong and act as if you are right and argue, yeh, not working.

Lets see, went to Racheal's birthday. It was fun when me, Tay, and her where the only ones there. Maria then came and it was fine. Laura then came. And for a while it was good. But the last hour started to annoy me.

the girls did that aggrivating thing that just gets me alone time and solitude where they decide "Hey, lets ditch all our other friends, go and do other shit, leaving them alone" like always. Which is where i lose the fun joy, and get doubts.

And i am sick of people taking my phone. messing with it and roughly handling it. They choose to only do idiotic stuff with irraplacable or expensive things. This stuff loses me the poems i wrote and don't remember. Or break my wii. IT is aggrivating. Laura deleted pictures because they had her. Even though she left the newest ones and oldest (of the day) of her. If it was ones that where in akward positions i could understand (I don't know if there where, I just hit take and save all the time) but she deleted a ton, many where zoom ins on Racheal's sister and friends, with out her, and others just a group picture of all of them. Most fine. Which aggrivates me, i....i don't know why but pictures i take hold a signifigance like my writing, a one time thing i can't replicate, i rarely delete and hate deleting. Ask me not to use em, or do anything fine, but don't make me get rid of them. And if these things bug you so badly i can't even keep them just because i hate deleting, most likely i will will. But...with the few things i keep sacred, don't just take and delete them. don't just get rid of data on things like pokemon, or the few things i work at like yugioh...eh, i am just complaining. But, so little i hold dear, picture, writing, my yugioh decks....It is wierd, they are the few things i can find any pride in at all... It is the only things. Everything big i do gets shot down, and just is destroyed by others. My jokes are stolen and bellittled, accomplishments destroyed. so now...I have little pride or caring in anything. So the times when i can win in pokemon, or in yugioh. When i can actually look at something i write and like it and not think "whats it matter, i suck at this" when i actually feel good about it, or when i look at a picture, and it just makes me smile because i took it...God, it is all i have now-a-days. Oh well. Whats done is done. That is life.

And i am saddened by how akward laura gets when the fact we dated is mentioned. She looks at me, and then away, and it either is guilt or regret. Or just feeling akward. But if it is regret...if it was like her and tay, where they barely talked, had one kiss, and end, i could understand her regretting thinking like that. But i don't want her thinking of herself as insane and stupid for dating me. I don't want the fact that i opened up, adn she did to be something she shouldn't have done, i don't wnat everything we did having been wrong...i don't want that thing we called "love", what i use to feel, to be something bad....No, i don't want to be another thing where i was just a mistake, my parents treat me like that....hell everyone does. I am useless, and a mistake. Oh well...

And i hate that laura harms me so, even if not meaning. I hate that i can't control and still want to feel and relapse in my feelings for her. God, i hate myself, i am pathetic. I hate how whenever she gives me a serious look and tone...even if i did soemthing that should not deserve it... I feel like such a stupid piece of crap and hate myself and everyone else.

But in the end, i went back inside and left everyone else during the last hour or so in the party. Went a bit depressed and confused. And i went through my usual hatred of myself, and wanting someone to come and help me, try to save me, even though i pushed them away. Oh well. I don't blame anyone but myself.

...And man. Listen. God. I don't think i believe in you. But god, you have one bit of thing on me from peer pressure, from nostaligic want from when i was young...and my confusion...I want to believe in you. But i can't...maybe i should give it another chance...Eh, forget it, most of this blog is going away today...
i feel better. Oh well. I just need a nap. Tomorrow all will be well in my mind haha. It is feeling better. Haha. Wanna talk to Emily, Molly, and Jess...the eighth graders in general. Since unlike the 9ths they don't make me feel so shitty. Hell, not 9ths, everyone. The 8ths, i fit with them, feel good. Haha. Oh well. This whole blog made me feel better. Now don't know why i felt like it. xD Yay ADHD. Haha. Still have my body feeling stressed and shitty.

But now, I feel good. But probably won't talk much tommorow. I wanna duel. Damnit. This is my big hting, the one thing i feel and am good in. I need to duel.