Im sick of this. Really. I am sick of bothering with trying to convince myself and others I am hateful and spiteful easily. I can't okay?

I just can't get to hating people. I still fucking like Emily. I can't fucking bring myself to hate her. God dammit. I am sick of pretending the other doesn't exist. I hate the ill will. I am sick of all this. I am fucking weak. I can't hate her though. Not fully...

I also like Rachel, im sick of trying to be spiteful or mad. I can't handle it. I am sick of wasting time on hate....I just wanna move on...

I don't want to be considered a horrid person...I need to work on it...but come on...I don't even insult Taylor's manhood anymore...im trying to be a better person....I really am...God help me...I am. I swear...


And I need to admit it. I am afraid. Im afraid that all my friends I am close to will fade. I've had best friends online and real life that its faded with before...

And God. I don't want that with Laura. And others. Especiadlly Will"), Keenon, Alejandra, Zach, and Bryan...God I don't know when it happened but they mean a ton to me. The are some of my closest friends. I need this to last..

Will...God. I wont lie. He is easily my best friend. We understand each other and are alike and get what we mean even with our many issues of being sympathetic and such. And I trust him insane amount...I hope it stays. I don't wanna lose it like with Bren. Will is like a brother. He really is one of the best friends I've made in a while.

And I swear to God don't any of you fucking get Moody or bitchy like has happened before. I can talk good about someone without it meaning something bad about others.

Im afraid to trust. Im trying to keep open with others but its hard...

Im so sick of the hate...I don't want to keep this image I have...but im trying so hard to seperate myself from the past and make a new image I am hurting other things...

Dammit I will break through this.

But lets face it. Even with any amount of success and romance and friendship you truly want will never be able to be obtained. Dammit.

You are trying to change and better yourself for a girl who hates you, a girl who wont fall for you, friends you haven't met, and a world you fear. Ain't that the start of a bad sitcom?

And you know...I want a long distance relationship. How ticked up is that. I want to be able to keep physical out of it. I want to have to cherish any time together and never take it for granted....

Man things have changed....

Hmm. Im crying again...you know. Its funny. Multiple people have talked to me while I was obviously upset and I don't think any single one bothered asking what was wrong....kinda depressing...

I must not do that to friends...if I can console I need to try...even if they seem to only be upset from minecraft.

And woah. I can see the amount of views of my blog and each post? Did not know this. 3 average. Very surprising. Kinda wonder who...think will was the third...