ts odd. Today I have spent it thinking. And eating. God so much eating.

And I don't got one damn idea what im doing.

Or why I feel what I feel. I should be upset over shit? Right? Em and Tags one year is coming up (Congrats you two, even if you don't read this and hate me), the 13 months since our break up (pathetic I can't forget the exact dates, but they were an exact month apart) , I am definitely losing the girl( and it seems like she is falling for friend) , I seem to be ruining one of the few friendships I still had and liked ( what else is new), and im going down a constant hole of repetitive feelings with no logical basis.

But right now? I feel...great. oddly happy. Usual eye before storm were I shrug shit off? I don't know. But right now...I just want to enjoy myself. Do nothing. Get my liscense, just goof around.

And I still want to thrill seek. Just make out with a stranger, or hell maybe more. I wanna try pot, alchohal I wanna go and fight. I wanna take up fencing, try kayaking, swim in the wild, start weight lifting. Who knows! God. I want to live!


But am I just hiding? Will, or more accuretly, when, will I feel different.

I mean. Even now I get a flash of jealousy. But I am ignoring it...am I over it or is a prelude to hell?

And ya know. I am drifting between time. Falling back in love. With old series. Falling for manga and missing Clint. Wanting to revive the circle I started...despite knowing im the most unwelcome and unneeded one. Then looking to the future and present. Wanting random things, wanting what I have to stay what I will have.


What the hell am I doing? God. I have no idea.

I hope its good weather again. So I can sit in woods and meditate.

Then realize I am an ass.

You know,, did you ever just consider half of this is rebelling.. . No not against your old life. You are reveling against Emily. You want to forget her and. Get past her. But you can't. So you lash out. Pain you never have truly confronted eats at you, so you tried to destroy any connection to things that you connect to her...

Which is harder when you let her into every facet of your life.

So now...you still can't pick up the pieces. Cause you are halfway in a forest with no idea whether to turn back PR forward.

And that seems to be about right...I thought I. Was. Gonna delete this place...guess that didn't happen