Grow up me, grow up.

You know what is really truly annoying me. I can't stand the past anymore. I can't look at it with hate, reverance, or as a way to better myself. I just can't stand it. It just causes pain. I just want to forget everything of the past and start anew. Hell i moved all my posts to another blog for christ sakes. I should be able to still use the past a tool. Hell. I've changed to the better for that reason. Now it is just for masochistic purposes.

Though Everything i have been building up keeps falling. My view of things in the past faltering. All i liked keeps becoming crap or losing my interest.

Hell only thing at all that has not diminished in my eye is Yugioh.

But...Hell I just cant handle how much i am losing or being fucked. I mean, Aunt Chris's cat was put down today. I loved Dakota. As a kid i always went to Chrissy's, and Dakota was only nice one. All her other cats where mean and evil. Dakota always would be with me and cure boredom and be nice. And since then going to Chris's house, petting Dakota and all that was just...A fact. It was unchangable. Unbreakable and shakeable. Hearing that purr was just reassuring, because it was something from my childhood.

But despite all my wishes i am clinging to my past...To much. Every bit of it. Hell i've been sleeping with my stuffed frog and tiger, trying futilely to grab onto the past. trying not to lose it like i've been losing it...

I just need to get past all this. But my mind wont fully give up...And I feel the barriers, the same damn barriers come up...

Yet still i smile, I laugh, and yet all the things i say not to...i do. Leaving those same damn exceptions, as if i still have something i don't...

I almost think i should talk a lot more to clint...take his advice for getting over people...

But could i live with myself...

But look at how well i keep to any plan i make. I couldn't even go a full day without texting people...without texting them...

I really want whitney back...

Actually. I want him back...

Heh. Ron, what would you think of me now...What would you say...

God. I wish you where here. I still miss you a shitload...

Gah. Staying up this late is messing with my mind. This is all just sleep deprivation. Today (well yesterday now) was great, why let this get to me...

I need sleep. Then i will forget this and feel better.

But still...Even if you're gone, and i don't have you. Even through everything that happened and how pathetically it had to end...even if i feel cheated. I still miss you. I can't blame you. But i miss you and love you...

Damn, I really wish you where here Ron... Heh, you where probably why i can't make stories with that idol that stands through everything. I have always needed an idol, someone i based and acknowledged...like I do Jim Butcher...You where my life Idol, and a friend...Why the fuck did you have to die. God Damn, and so many years later, you think i would be over it, i barely can remember it...but now it hurts so much more as it means so much mroe and i realized how much you affected me...

God damn. A cat being put down got me on this mindset. But hey. With how much i have been fucked recently i am sure it can't get worse.

*just jinxed it*

Eh, i will sleep now... Then tommorow be great and pretend this does not get to me, hell, not pretend. Because i cant feel bad when talking to people...I just shelter my mind from bad...

Hell that is the true issue. The issue does not exist with others. Especially those who have hurt me, left me to drown, said things to hurt....even if we both knew they were wrong, we all apologized...The barrier come up. and when talkin to them i am happy...but once it ends, nope.

Ben is probably only one that don't exist with...

And Ron if he was here...