Stuck between past and the future, and therein lies the issue.

The more i realize it, the more i am finding that a ton of my conflictions are not from any true issue, but a indecision on who i want to be, where i want to be, and the past and the future.

I won't lie, i have a image of the kinda person i want to be (*cough*Maro*cough*) and I slightly worry about it. I try lightly to work towards it.

But recently i don't know any more what i truly want. Do i want to go back way to the past, do i want to be the cynic who didn't believe in love, thought all romance our age was doomed to fail, thought being close to people was just going to lead to pain, all that? Those thoughts have all been gainin some more say in recent times. Or do i want to be that silly boy dating Jess just to try it, to see what dating is like? Do i want to be the horrible person i was around that time, hating everything. Do i want to be the silly kid doting on laura, spending two years feeling something special, thinking i found something few will ever find, and slowly going from a cynic to hopeful, and wanting to get her from a cynic to the one i wanted...Or the one who lost everything he worked hard for and leaned on the friend who he use to never care for, and then slowly realizing that the girl who had practically stalked him was making him fall in love with her just as much...Or do i want to be the broken hermit, who just gave up and quit on everything...Or do i want to be Maro. Do i want to look on this with a smile, a laugh, shrug it off, say "Was good eh?" and continue on with life, enjoying it fully just to enjoy life. Taking every little thing as if it was the last thing he would see.

But Maro has Shiro...And he dies.

You know. That would be interesting, i want a near death experience to put everything in perspective...

But god. I realized how much of bullshit everything i do is. The Ego, the surity, the lack of fear. Who the hell am i kidding. When i say i am hot, that is me trying to hide how little i think of my looks. When i talk a big game on something, yeah, i think i suck, a lot. Talk about things i am good at, yeah, I really think i suck at them, and am trying vainly to convince myself that i have something. Hell. I find myself lessening myself in every way with every one of my friends. Looks? Forget it, Taylor and others are all better and will be better. Gaming skills, please, Clint and ben are so better. Writing? Emily and others kick my ass at it. Reading? Laura is way better. Everything, well, someone i am friends with probably is better, or has something that is unique or talented to them. Something amazing, the ability to create something. Music, writing, art, something. Me, I got nothing beyond yugioh, and that is hardly an art.

And i realized this from driving. I talked about it pretty big, but as i started with dad, even with his encouragement...I found it almost overwhelming. I was scared, truly, deathly afraid. If i messed up it was huge. It was terrifying. And i already can't decide anything, afraid i could mess everything up, and i start getting nervous, fearful, and i start joking to try and make things better, i overexplain and say the wrong thing. But with driving...Don't have that option. It scared me senseless. Some people are ecstatic about it...I am scared. But i like it. Takes every bit of me to do, focuses me...and Dad made me seem like i was able to do it. I need this.

But yeah...No point in this really.

Oh! Marions giant sale till 11th=THE SHIT. Large pizza, two bucks. Greatest. Thing. Ever.