Haven't snuck on in a while.

So, been trying to work on discipline and finding myself through all this. And got two hours of freedom today...just the right amount.

I mean, ugh. It's been really odd. I've finally severed the connection to needing contact, to having to talk to the specific people to keep sane and such. But i am afraid i severed it too much so i wouldn't want to or be able to even keep contact with anyone or care enough. Luckily that pessimistic voice failed out and i kept sorta normal at ben's.

But...Ugh. I am overreading a lot, overthinking, taking small things as big things, taking small snide comments or tones as something huge. But god, why is it when i feel like i finally am finding myself, finally getting it right, finally getting past the bad emotions and becoming better...like a few people are just not caring, like i have become a piece of useless nothing to them. But i am probably overthinking...I mean, i always end up thinking those whose opinions i value most are treating me like that. Hell, it is how i became petty and stupid and ruined a lot between me and laura and me and clint...

But god...Everything of the past i have done is really getting to me...Disrespect, anger, jealousy, fear, cowardice...lack of control...Ugh. Even with those i thought i kept it in check with best, and wanted to make a good impression on i didn't...Even if no one else thinks of it anymore i still am thinking about it. Every little argument the past summer, small things i did years ago...All of it i am still hating myself for.

Man. I am so close to getting past this all...But I hate that i am letting my cynicism and pessimism win out more. I feel myself falling to old habits i hated...I feel old cynicism and ideas taking more power in my mind than before.

Hell. I don't know anymore.

But god damn, i am sure of one thing. I really love ben and whitney. Ben...God me and him speak everything and just seeing him alone durin party...I won't deny, i am kinda teary in sentimental sappiness at the moment. He has changed and grown so much, he has become so damn awesome, and no matter what he always is having my back and bein a friend, and he somehow knows just how to keep me happy and be there, without trying. I hope i see him more in school...I keep from letting those damn devils taking over when he is helpin me. But damn, glad to see ya, and even if you probably don't read. I love ya ben, happy birthday.

And god, i really missed whit. It just makes me smile how she is. And i really needed a good hug. Not one of those crappy hugs just to be polite. A true damn, honest to goodness caring hug. Where it is tight and it seems like that person means something to you, no romance or lust or anything, just caring. Only Kasha and whit give those nowadays.

And it was good seein Alex again, I love the simple fun in hangin with her. Like a sister i never wanted. But made party more fun. And Alex, sorry i will be unable to hang more with ya this week, my bad xD

But ya know, I am stuck brooding on the bad of everything, when i should realize the old philosophies i had that i haven't been payin much attention to. I mean...Me and Laura are just like before we dated. I mean, we had gotten past all the issues a while back, but only recently have we really just been able to goof around, be chummy and act like old times.

But god, I may finally be getting somewhere. And if i have to give up the old, go for the new, or grab at older. So be it. I just gotta nut up or shut up.

And just forget it all. Let everything mean nothing, stop trying so hard, and getting hopes up to get them crushed. Most of my issues stem from tryin so hard and risking too much. Gotta play it like yugioh. Play safe, careful, and don't overextend. When i get confident, or happy, be always double checking and careful completely, that is when you mess up and be the stupidest you can be.

But man, i needed this. Twas fun.