Gah gah gah.

I just. Okay, so feel self goin halfways to breakdown. Find myself looking for things to feel offended and angered at. Trying not to let it control me, ventin to ben if need be.

But hrm, god. I feel as if i am trying to fall for some people at times. Or am i just developing small crushes? I mean, i guess it makes sense. I see them higher than others to a small degree, and get along well, etc. and with how my mind is acting it is obviously past just friendship in my head...

But it is nothing like with Laura or Emily. I know that for sure. And i am almost tempted to just try datin with them if they would, to hell with caution, protection, to hell with trying to make it something to last the ages, etc. just try to keep it casual and fun, like a lot of friendships with a few other benefits, and the ability to keep self from my mind and just have someone there...

But then i realize that I couldnt do it. And hate that about myself. I get too damn attached, and i cant handle casual. I take it all too seriously, and when i go into these kinda things I end up inadvertently searching for something that will last. Then it gets to the point where its not even a question to me on feelings, it just is, it is just odd...

And the other part realizes that i am once again turning them into fantasies in my head, putting them in ways that dont exist, putting them amongst false pretenses and illusions to give my mind an escape.

I will force my mind to stop doin that. And if life continues, and something developes, cool. If not. Well I will still just enjoy myself.

Gettin annoyed with random things. But oh well.

Glad Eclipse is working in Comp Sci, tehre is an odd calming and fun thing with programming. And a pride in getting the program to work. It is like making a good Yugioh deck...

And gettin much closer to Lee as time goes on. Odd. Not a complaint though.

And hrm, i meant to avoid whining and introspecting too much here.

Oh well. Tis my blog to do whatever with. So yeah...

NEW FORMAT TOMORROW *waves flag*