Dammit. Good thing i still feel like shit. Shouldnt stop...

but heh. Always told myself i needed a therapist, yet i cant talk to the one i have without getting defensive. Cant fully talk to anyone right now.

Man...when i play connect the dots I love how it all goes back to the molestation...how i kept saying it didn't mattered, how it was nothing...sexual acts where nothing...everything was nothing...none of it mattered...and then convinced myself everyone else must see it that way too...right...I mean, then i was not messed up....heh. But i was so fucked up by it...and have ruined myself and others from it...god i hate myself...Man...At least Taylors was willing with it.....and me...I dont have any sense of romance versus lust anymore...right or wrong, any sense of anything...I hate myself for this...I hate all I've done...

I really am a monster...

And i really cant solve anything...

God why does my mind keep drifting to heaven and hell, thinking of the end...Screw you mind. I still have never attempted that and never will...Never....