God. You know, what is that complex that people who where bullied end up mimicking those actions? God, I am pathetic, i am just like that. I have these stupid fatal flaws i knew i needed to avoid. Yet didn't. I ignored and shrugged them off...Heh. Clint fucked up my mind so bad with years of molesting me...yet i end up just as bad. God. Pathetic...And somehow i came up with these damn excuses to try and make what i did better...

God this time i am going ot change somehow. I will become better. I wont let these flaws continue. I have already hurt the two people i have cared most about more than anyone should ever be hurt...Dammit i am better than this, i can fix this...I swear it. I know these flaws. I need to devote myself to fixing myself. I need to stop being such an ass, stop cussing, stop all these horrible issues. I have already lost too much from this....And it is all my damn fault...And i have hurt too many people too many times...I will solve this. I will become better...I will learn...

But ya know the absolute worst thing, somehow i have been conditioned to think that is how it all should actually be...that is what everyone made it seem, how i learned...it is worse than racism in a way...god i gotta do this like i have done so many things. Forget all I know, relearn everything. Retry. I need to forget the fantasies, thoughts, and all i think on how it should work, adn relearn. And just forget everything else but the basic romance and friendship. forget the extra stuff...just let every single person know what they mean to me...

I may not be able to reset everything. But Dammit. I can fix myself. Make myself better. Be someone who deserves the friends I have. God DAmmit i can...

And Laura, Emily, you two specifically...God I really am sorry for how much shit i have put both of you through. And you two are probably the kindest and saintliest people i have ever met just from the fact that after all this you guys still have tried to help me before, and put up with me...Thank you guys. And I am sorry for who I am. I really am...