Hmmm. Thinking. It is funny. You know how in movies when a couple breaks up and share friends one of them lose those friends? Thinking about it...that kinda happened. Especially with Bren...Bren...God how did that go to hell...I tried staying close so long... even when Alex and everyone was mad at him...I tried. I tried to get back our friendship....why did it never work....we were so close...now he is best friends with Alex and Emily and them again....

God...sick irony...but it is story of my life...."man we really have drifted apart" Clint said to me...I tried to bullshit and say it was not true... but it is....

Corey...Raj...Sam...Michael...Bren...Scotty....Clint and Taylor...in many ways Ben...what is wrong with me that it happens like that. Dammit I value friendships with guys so close....yet they fall apart...what is wrong with me there....

Hell I ruin all friendships....I barely am keeping intact with Alex from my idiocy....

God dammit. I hope to hell...all of this...bitchifiers...Laura...Nyquist....Hannah...Rachel, Alex, Sidney, Kasha, Ben....all of them...I hope it can be salvaged and maintained...

But in one year...in one year everything changes.

And im making so many promises...can I keep them? Will I want to? Will they want me to? Will I even be able to...God...everything is going so fast....

Never should look back.

And how this started? Seeing an innocent talk between Emily and Bren, and looking at pics of 09. And ya know? I can't remember it almost at all. I barely remember anything. I don't remember how short Laura had her hair...or anything. Im left wondering if I am meant to forget everything...

If so why can't I forget random feelings I don't even consciously mean to have... dammit. Why do I still feel ...so so much for Emily. Why despite being great friends with Tay again do I subconsciously still feel the betrayal, hate, the other festering emotions...why despite having so many new close friends do I feel jealousy at how close some are with Bren and Clint and scott...and hatred at how distant we are...why dammit why. I DONT WANT THESE. WHY DO THESE DEVILS ALWAYS APPEAR FOR ME.

Why am I always in a situation that gets to me like this...

At night. It's always night. Everything changes then....

And tomorrow we are going to tays. Thank God. Nyquist will be there too. Him and shawn give me some extra comfort...

And a pool. Not only that but the stars. Oh God Almighty ....the wonderous stars...

And the fireflies...

That is what I love in summer.

Fireflies and the night sky with a warm breeze...most beautiful sight ever