"You always were in the present Dick, it was what made you beautiful , but with me you get stuck in the past..."

Kinda how I feel, this will be a bit rambly.

God, it is really odd. I really cant get over missing the past when it comes to Emily...Not romantically, that is for sure gone. But I guess i cant get over losing the friendship. So odd. I mean, I guess it makes sense, she was probably the person in life I opened up most to and got closest to. Only person i could tell i was crying, and first person i told about Ron to...

But it is wierd. Looking at Emily and Laura...So many differences. I almost miss how Laura was...No, I like how she has changed...but i just...actually i have no idea how to explain. It is odd, what she was, or how she seemed, something about her, some spark...so many things have changed...I guess what i viewed of the past and wanted is not aligning with who i got back.

And then, watching emily without being able to truly be involved...I love how much i have seen her change and grow in the years. She has become so amazing in many ways...She stands up for her self, and there is such confidence, poise, power, and all of that with her now. I can see how she is changing...and i miss that i couldnt share that with her, I miss the laughs that could have been, the jokes, hell, I miss the fights that we would laugh at later...God dammit shouldnt i give up on the past by now?

But man, I use to stick to present, but when they are involved I get stuck in the past...or missing the present, what could have been, all of that.

And dammit, figures the time I want to break past the shell and open up to talk to alex like i say i will, I refuse because i want to show some courtesy to emily.

Guess the past really does haunt me.

But you know what is funny, the thing that always sticks with me, and I hate that I never paid enough attention to with both of them when dating? The smile, god, they had beautiful smiles.

God, I just need to get over it all...But I cant. Wonder what is wrong with me there...

but despite the missing her, despite any sadness, despite anything i feel...I dont feel sadness.

How odd.