Okay, i lied, the hypocritical douche can't keep to it a whole day.

I'm falling to hell. I hate myself and all i stand for. I hate that i can't feel empathy. I hate that I really just need someone i can talk to, someone i feel easily able to chat with, and someone who can bring me out of this living hell i am falling to. But Bren is out of the picture, and i dunno if anyone else ever managed to do that for me. And then Ben is having a party, and i can't go. And I just feel like a fucking awful person, and wonder why the fuck anyone deals with me. Why i do. I hate how horrible i am to friends, and to myself. I find everything to slowly passing by. And hate how cold and unfeeling i am. I hate that whenever i get like this, or worried, or scared, i just become crueler. I slowly become even more of a douche (if possible) and i become even more guiltless, normally at least i end up feeling guilty, but instead i feel a disturbing contentness and uncaring at what anyone thinks, and that i might succede in breaking ties. God, what the fuck is wrong with me, besides being a fuckup...

God. Show me one person who can go through hell, without resorting to blaming everything on themselves, without trying to appease others, without unfairly punishing themselves for everything when they only have done some things. Unlike evryone else, unlike me, bren, and every damn one else. All these people who get blamed by everyone else, and soon unfairly blame themselves. The Jon Galt of the world. The man Who could stop the motor of the earth. Heh. Really, such an amazing character...

*breathes* I must calm and beat it all. I still have taylor, and now a days shini too, they help me a ton. Though god, out of all this, i didn't think just losing one friend, one person i barely know aside from online, who i never have seen or spoke to, would hurt so damn bad. I hate that i let myself get this damn close to someone. Raj, Laura S, clint, Scott, all of them, wouldn't i have learned by now how all of this just brings pain...I guess i have, i am obviously self sabotaging and ruining everything that i have. Yay idiocy.