Screw it. Fuck it all. I refuse to apologize to anything, i refuse to let anything bring me down, damnit this is my life.

Well. I am back to normal. Though honestly, this was one of my better funks. Was not depressed. Not suicidal. I just was...tired. Actually, that is pretty accurate, those days i had like 8 hours sleep and no food. But after sleep, food, and not reading (since i get too mehish when i read) I am back to normal. Think of it sorta as....enlightment searching! Yeh, like forcing yourself alone for prayer or meditation to sort thoughts out and empower your thoughts.

But i still am fucking sad as hell now. Another friend gone. I know, Bren says he will talk, and in 2 months he makes it sound as if everything will be back to normal, but damnit, i know how untrue that will be. He may start talking again, but the bonds will be severed. They will reform, but no where near as good as before... Damnit. I mean, clint and scott became friends with me, but we are no where near as close as before. This will be it again. And now i lose bren, one of my closest, if not the closest friend. Damnit. He was one of the few i could never stay mad at, always talk to and trust...and one of the few who made me feel assured, made me feel as if i had an idea of what i thought, believed and wanted, who made me feel secure and peaceful. But now that is all gone. Damnit. Well. That was and will be one of the last times i ever shed any tears for anyone. But fuck it. There goes my partner, my friend, screw it all. Screw our stupid party, screw the god powers, screw dictatorship, screw it all. I denounce it all.

God, i wonder what would have happened if i never introduced everyone. What if i left it as me and bren. Then there would have never been shini and phil, he never would have met alex or emily or anyone...none of this would have happened. None of the absolute shit would have happened. None of the amazing times, the friendships, none of the partying, dictations, tieing emily to things, all that... Would it have been better or worse. Oh well. Forget what ifs. I refuse to linger on that shit.

*takes a deep breathe* Okay. Its decided. Today i need to find myself more. Without ignoring others. Today i shall go to tourney. And later see movie with others. Although, i still feel a mehish at the idea of talking to 9th's... Cept Tay, since he is the only friend i still fully trust and can confide in. Sorry femmes, its just way easier talking to a guy about everything than you guys, same probably apply with femmes.