I had an amazing day yesterday, but something clicked, and i am about to break...

Here. Before i cuss half of this out. Lets get some good.

I went to the Regionals, jolly good fun even when i got my ass kicked. I came to get really close to connan. Got stuff i needed and had fun.

And i jumped on ben, he just continued walking as i dragged behind. It hurt. whitney did a jump hug, first time hurt us both, second time was a success.

Now here is the rest:

Here is what i realized yesterday that killed me, horribly. I was letting myself get close to someone. And now. After all this shit i am in a ton of pain. I am not bothering to text or talk to anyone. Sitting on aim for them to talk to, but not going out of my way. And honestly i want to cry. But guess the fuck what all of you, guess what. I am holding to those promises i made to myself. I am changing. I am not letting my pain, and all of that harm me to the point where i hurt others, i am not burdening others to the point that it does nothing but harm them. I am keeping the balance. I am becoming a better person. I am keeping all of my fucking promises i have made and chronicled, even if half of you haven't and can't. And even if i want to cry so badly at the moment, i refuse. Never again will i shed a tear over something like this.

Here, lets give you your own part, a big part. Because i have wanted to address this for so long. But you know what, i wanted to try and succeede just personally doing it, because you know, i have changed a lot of things without addressing the problems specifically, working in small steps. But last week i was pushed over the edge. Cept i got no time to do anything and really confront you. Not that it would matter since you don't even talk to me anymore. Bren.

Who the fuck do you honestly think you are. Honestly? Here, what was it you said? "Do you think brandon would block me?" Honestly you ask that? You use to be my best friend, you use to know me, you use to know my past and you ask this shit? and notice i say "use to", because now i doubt it a lot. But here let me give you a big big big big big refresher on why i can easily block you in an instant. Clint. Remember him? I use to talk about him a lot. Talked to me when he felt like it, nad only then. Treated me like crap, used me, ignored me often, only reason i spoke to him was due to our past and a small wanting to make our frienship work again, while i am struggling with a growing hatred. Hey, sounds familiar.

Guess what bren, in all honesty i fucking hate your guts. Do you notice i have made one or two jokes at most with you in the weeks you have been back, tied emily to random things what, once? Well guess the fuck what, Clint, Blake, Scott, Laura, Laura greenawalt, Raj, Cory, so many others, they have all burned me, burned me really fucking bad. Do you think that "Oh hey i disappear like 4 months then come back, love me again?" is gonna happen. Hell. I was one of your best friends, you even said me, phil, and louie where your best friends. And guess what, only two of those three you talked to these past months. Heh. I was finally getting happy, but still having some issues, especially with not having any really close friends. And you abandoned me, do you think i would shrug it off and anything would be the fucking same, really? Hell, i am giving you a small bit of our past, adn trying to recover this frinedship to the small bit that i recovered with Laura Sooy and Clint, but it will never be like before. And all we had is gone. The Gods, the tieing, all that shit. You left me when i really needed a friend, you left me and then talked to phil and louie when i was supposedly one of your best friends. Like we can ever be close.

Oh. And don't think i don't realize that you blame me for all this shit. God i know you do. But just come out and say it. Oh wait. You won't cause i have to send fifteen damn messages to get one. Heh. You obviously hate alex, and you had a convo long enough to think she sent you to the ignore and get really pissed at each other, yet i can't get you to talk at all. You are a grade A douche bag. Oh and you know how close i was to you, i would time nad time again bend myself, break my morals, and change, without a moments notice, or even a thought. Do you know how fuckign lucky you really are, you had a friend who would forgo everything thta he was, his entire essence, and do anything he could to help you, do you know how rare a friend like that is? Well, if you didn't before, you don't know now. Heh. I hope you know how pathetic and small you are. And how you won't harm me ever again. And trust me, fuck up or act out a little more, be as malicious as last week, i will ignore you in an instant.

Oh. And alex, stop being a fucking bitch about this. I encouraged bren with a joke. Yeh fucking right. I never make a joke of encouragement. My jokes are small ways to try and stop something. And be pissed at me for a lot of things, i can't blame you. But know this. God damnit know this well. I love you a lot. You are my closest friend, but i have a few fucking morals i won't fucking budge on. And one of them is i won't take sides when both are at fault. And Guess what, bren may have been worse all these months, and if you start an argument there you have me, but last week both of you took the offensive instantly, bren was not the only one to attack, you did too. And then you get pissed because i did not side with you, and i stayed out of it because i was a coward, well, the others may not have done anything, and honestly they where being cowards. But for me, louie and phil, but mostly me, think past your own fucking universe. I have known bren for what, 4, 5 years? Same with them. And we have known you only a year or two. And i will speak only for myself, since i have not talked to them. But i have been dealing with my views on bren, and i still am friends to a good degree, even if he is pushing it a lot. And with you, i hated you, and had an awful past for half out time knowing each other. Do you honestly think it will be super easy to go either way against two of my best friends in all of my life, really? God, why not have me try and choose between Atheism adn Christianity too. But god, know this. You both attacked. You where not the holiest there, nor the evilist. And know this, god know it well or i will forget you like i am now forgetting bren each day. Actually. Everyone know this.

I will not bend myself for any of you. I will not choose between any of you. Do not try and make me choose, do not try to make me something else. If i promise Ben i am hanging with him i won't blow him off for anyone, not even Em or Daughter. If i promise i won't tell something i won't. And if someone is doing something wrong or misguided i will go against them. Even with my loves such as whit, or em, or you know, alex. No exceptions.

Oh, and before you try to accuse me of something alex. Do you know how i have defended you so many times, against phil, against em, against everyone. I fought to the death cause i know how you felt. God. And you bitch me out because i refuse to choose and bend my morals, you know, i realize it sucks a lot, and i really can't feel much anger, nothing compared to what i type right now, but try and think to how i feel, i have lost too many friends, i lost bren. And then you, my closest non-daughter, non-ro/bro-mance friend, go and bitch at me when i have been trying so hard to help you, side with you, and make things better fro you. And you act as if you shouldn't even talk to me over this, yeh, making it seem as if i am losing another friend... you know, thanks a lot, great way to repay me after you have said i helped a ton this last month. Thanks a lot.

Also. To all of you. Not just them. I have heard almost all of you have talked about me behind my back. If you guys have issues. Fucking tell me to myself. I am a big boy, and i have solved so much when people actually fucking talk. So none of you call me a fucking coward. Cause you know what, at least if i am annoyed with you i will say it here. Or try to talk to you. But guess what, i can handle anything any of you say.

And honestly. Everyone. I am sorry. But i am giving up for a little bit. I know it is hypocritical. But i need a break. I am done trying to help everyone on everything, i try and do this, and almost always you guys bite me in the ass. Emily, tell louie not to go to me unless it is really bad, and apologize for me. But i have finally found happiness. A real happiness. And after 3 or 4 years of constant depression and greif trying to solve everything, and be a pillar is breaking me, and i want to preserve this damn happiness. And it is fucking greedy, but guess what. All of you have done it, despite what all of you say. You have all forgone others chance at happiness to preserve yours, and tried to not lose your happiness. Alex, emily, whit, bren, jess, everyone. and you know what, you all have talked about how you deserve it after hells and trials. Well guess what. 4 years, numerous suicide attempts, oh god so damn many, and many of thousands of times where i almost killed myself with surefire ways, well. If i have to forgo helping others, and i have to be selfish so i can hold onto my damned happiness i have wanted and needed so long, then i will. Cause guess what. If i crack once more i won't be posting a "i almost did it" Like alex has (which i can't blame, the ideas are so romantic in a dark way), or like i use to. I can guarentee this will be all i have to say, "I can't take it. I am going with a permanant way. Be it cutting wrists, or a shot to the head. But i am done" And it will end that day. So i am sorry to all. But i am keeping my happiness. My life.

And since you all need to know this, you all make so many promises like i do, but you all keep to so few, and by god don't say i don't. Look at mine, i cuss a good bit less, i am making way less jokes, i am caring about feelings, and trying to watch my words, and respect others ideas, i am doing so much i never did. I fucking changed over these years, i became fucking human. Now how about you, no, how about the whole fucking world grows up. and i hope somehow some of you fucking get better through the end of all of this. I hope you all find happiness, and the balance that has taken many years, and almost taken my life, to find. and i hope you guys can find happiness, and like i do look beyond the outer of everything, beyond the pain, and find the good with every bad. Cause guess what.

I would not change one thing. Not the pain of getting my heartbroken, the pain of losing any friends, or of this. None. Goodbye. Good night.