Take this! My love, my hate, and all of my sorrow!

Actually. don't. I have been thinking a lot recently. So many things reminding me about trying to lose memories. Forget pain. And i realized, I have found something i truly fear. And it is losing those memories, the pain, the hate, the rage, the love, the joy, the lust, the sorrow, the deceit, the everything. It has shaped me so much. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger...It takes me a while. But i push past this all and i become stronger. No. I become more adept, i learn not to be serious. I grow. Learn those mistakes, learn the successes. If i gave up, quit, forgot it all, then i would not have the love of Emily. I would not be friends, and the closest friends, with Alex. I would not have my amazingly wonderful and badass daughter. If i didn't just try, if i didn't wish for old memories, if i just quit then laura would never have started hanging with our friends again after she left. I would never have fallen in love, and had that love lost, i would never have felt that hate, and never repaired it to a great friendship again. If i never made that small push to talk to miguel i would not be friends with him. If i didn't push to get to know that quiet kid i would not have ben as a friend. If i didn't push over and over to get to know those three girls who were freaked out by me i would never know molly, or jess, or Emily.

How can i ever consider giving up or forgetting these memories! How can i be anything but thankful for everything, even the bad. From it all i have become a good person. God damnit i have worked hard, i have changed so much in the years, i have found love, beauty, and everything, i have gained control i thought stupid years ago, i gained morals, i learned caution and empathy, i learned to feel! These emotions, these experiences, if anything, I want more. I want to feel so much more, i want to have my life crafted more. I want the diversity and amazingness.

And with this said. I can't give up on my old friends. Clint, Bren, Scott, they are still available. I can salvage them. God damnit I won't quit, even if it is small jokes, occasionally asking pointless questions, just trying to be a friend. I won't give up. and i will help Alex, and Louie, and all my friends. With this thought, i have found my serenity, my peace, my balance, my nirvana, i can keep it. I can try and spread it.