onward to depression.

lets see. bren hates me. alex and i seem less close and as if it is unrepairable. my rrelationship seems to be going to hell and i can see all the signs of me getting dumped there. i feel as if everything i do is wrong. oh and i now am paranoid and feel like i am slipping back to my sabootage everything state as a defense. i also can tell i am starting to seal away emotions, causing me to overdo everything to prevent that from happening. i feel like everyone is gone and i cant talk to them at all. i feel abandoned. i gave everyone gifts and the only one to thank me was whitney. hell i think she thanked me for emily's gift when emily did not. oh. grades are slipping when i felt good about them. and i feel sick. and everyone expects me to open up to them whhen they wont do it for me. heh. its taking a lot to keep self out of depression...aint christmas a grand time.