Breaking...i hate night

Taylor is in basement asleep...and i am just lost. I guess my farce of being strong fades once i am left to myself. Since each night i start breaking down (AKA insomnia). God, its annoying...can't have the relationship, try for just friendship and it is awkward too...can't win. I want to blame myself when i still barely know what happened. Apparently taylor said we where not as close...guess i didn't get that memo...Cause i still love her as much as i did a week or three ago, more than three months ago, and such...and she just said break, so i retain hope even though i wish i didn't...Then each time she is upset or anything, i just want to tell her i love her, kiss her, and try to make her feel better, but can't...every night i want to say the same few 3 word phrases i always do, but can't...I hate this so much...

Ugh, god, her march blogs last year where exactly like this. God. Irony. fuck you to hell. Heh. I kinda wish I thought there was no hope...so i could just get over her, and move on...though not sure if i could...

and everytime taylor is there getting more flirty than ever i want to punch him...

i hate myself...I hate this...

I keep wanting to hate or hurt her, but then the thought hurts too much. I hate myself for thinking it...especially cause i know i couldn't...

Though just continuing to talk to everyone possible is annoying...cause once i am not talking and free to think...i realize how much talking to anyone is hurting...

God I guess i can't even fake being happy well...and hate that this could hurt anyone, or get empathy, and almost don't want to post any of these for that reason...but I promised myself this is for me. Solely me. It was my record of everything, and no way would i ruin that...

I can't wait till yugioh tommorow...I need something to get me distracted and give me a reason to ignore the world...

though even if it causes me pain i still want to talk...

Heh. Guess i still can't even hope for the future, live in present, and just reflect on the past...

If there is a god, he is not doin well to earn points...

Though guess that's cause i lost my angel...

I hate everything... I hate myself...

I should never have gone to bens tonight, in the end it hurt too much...

At least no more school. That will lower the pain...

Ugh, now for my natural fix all...Can go sleep so all of tomorrow i can be fine...till night when it registers again....

here. Quotes. Things.

Watch me not care. -Dilbert

Right or wrong, it's very pleasant to break something from time to time. -Fedor Dostoevski

Boys frustrate me. I hate all thier indirect messages, I hate game playing. Do you like me or don't you? Just tell me so I can get over you.- Kirsten Dunst