come to me oh muse

Title unrelated, I just enjoy the line.

But God. Prom. This is a stupid mistake. So stupid...its entirely me. Hen. Funny. Already letting yourself be influenced by a girl you can't get...

Or can you. She has been flirting a bit, and flirting back if you do...but you are not gonna do anything are you. Nope
l. Idiot. Isn't this what you've complained about before? Why is this so different. When did you stop risking.


And man...my meds are scaring me...they change me so much. I've been paying attention. More and more...God. its like I'm not there. I get so confuse and jumbled on thinking...but once I have a focus its so clear, numbers, words, actions...they dance around and patterns and tricks become so obvious....

But I get hidden. It is like I am not there. I was trying on the tux and acting embarrassed and worried about letting Laura see. In my head I wanted to give that cocky grin I know I do, and make some comment asking how I looked, or some innuendo or something.

And the anger...if I don't eat it is so powerful..almost violent...I'm scared about it.

But God, I have such elation usually...I become so detached, cold, scared, angry, sad...scared. I lose my confidence. I hate that. I can't argue on meds....

I also stutter and can't tell jokes. My train of thought is all bumpy. Off them...its crystal clear, say it all and fast.
.

So scary...

Man. Dammit. I hate growing up at times, even if its taken me so long to do it in any way...remember when it was all black and white? I loved so and so, its obvious, beyond all doubt she is perfect for me, cue love story etc. But feelings aren't the only thing that matters. There is all the situations. What if it goes wrong. College soon. Can I control self
Can I get her parents to like me, can I not be jeleous of stuff..

Could I ever get over the inferioty from Clint. She really cared. That I could tell, more than ever before...and I have always felt like nothing compared to him. How could I follow him...if I did how could I without hating, blaming, and comparing...

Maybe I should stay forever alone. Or go gay. Or wait until I leave for colleage....then I can forget everyone...

But who am I kidding. Dammit. I know it breaks what I believe, and what I say...but like I knew early on that. Taylor and Emily where better suited than me, and had a feeling it would go that waay and they liked each other.....like I know that bnaruto spams suck and reborn spans awful plot twists... dammit if she is not the beast fit and the perfect person, who I should be with, or some shit like that...then I don't know who could be, and I know they probably don't hold a candle to her...

That sounded accuassatory, gay, almost insulting, and overly sappy...wow me...

But you know...when off on my meds I don't like looking directly at people. I try to hide eyes and gaze...I stare out...It makes me realize how much I want to travel. A lot.

And is it wrong that I actually think I could look really good? If I put on some weight...and oddly I've been gaining muscle or something. Weight and strength aren't as easy as for others, but I've been doing random things with ease, or more ease.

And I really wanna fight, like wrestle, or judo again, something for fun or sport