Man. He really is there for me and has my back. God i love him. So the party was supposed to be me, emily, kasha, him. But kasha couldn't come, so i told him to just make it a regular party and not third wheel himself.
He didn't.
Then he kept trying to get it so me and her where alone. So i could have fun. And we could try and fix everything. Get back a bit to how it use to be.
And it worked. Despite all that happened with us alone, even through lust my favorite parts where the small things. The simple things. Just holding her in quite. Neither of us speaking, or the slow, small kisses that had little lust.
Then just holding her as she fell asleep, and it felt really good when she said she did not want me to leave, to stay there and lay with her, and she gave me that beautiful smile...
God i needed that night. Guess fears where wrongly thought of for once....THOUGH FUCK YOU GOD THIS IS ALL BENS DOING.
But god...last night, and now...I was almost in tears. Not from sadness. But just...joy of some sort. God. Ben is by far the closest person in my life. Hell, even when everyone has left me he has stayed. He knows when to bother me, when to leave me be, and can always cheer me up and work with me on everything. And god...I can trust him fully, and i can't remember when i ever even raised back those barriers to him. I can't lie and say i did not do it to whit, alex, emily, jess, everyone, a few times when really depressed, and this is over years. But Ben...god i can't remember ever doing that. God. How long has he been there for me? Six, seven years? Stood by me when how many people left me, destroyed me, ruined me? God...I found a kinda friend you only find once in a lifetime...
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