Ugh wow. I keep messing up.

Wow. Sorry emily >.< God. I always do everything to the wrong extreme don't i >.< When i said i didn't care yesterday, i meant i was not mad, i didn't mind. I do care about us, but i didn't mind or care about what happened, it had become a little thing. And god, i was trying to give you space, since every time i have done anything before it seemed like i made everything worse, so i was just trying to give you space, let you find yourself, and everything. And i made it worse didn't i? God. I am a grade A fuck up. And you can't blame me on ben and Alex, you know it is really hard for you to make me feel better about you. And you can't blame me if i had doubts and felt some abandonment. But I will act differently tommorow. I waas trying to give you space...i guess after last year when this happened with laura, i went way to overboard trying to fix it and solve it, but that messed it up, so i tried leaving you fully alone, let you come to terms with everything. Le sigh, i need to work on finding the right balance of everything don't i...

Solely because i want to make an Eureka quote. I am the worst. And it looks like i ruined my relationship fully. Heh. Way to go me. Way to go. >.<

Also odd thing. I woke up at three in cold sweat, worried over everything, etc. Then managed to fall asleep at five, but while asleep i pictured a little diagram saying "do work" drew parabola to other side and had mini line on side that said "finish work" and "steal work" thten at bottom a line leading to a finished thing saying "turn in work". This kept repeating. Odd.

And heh. You know. Its kinda like the great depression. I did not focus on evrything. i focused on her a bit. And then i focused the rest on myself, on protecting myself, on not going into a depression, not ruining it, that i ruined it. That i ruined myself. Because i did not look to the rest of people it affected. God damnit. I had a chance, and i fucked it over. God damn.