Bye bye beauty.

Good bye oh blossoming tree, its so damn sad that it only blossoms a bit...it is the most beautiful thing ever. It truly is.

Heh. You know. The thing that irks me the most, after the people who seem to only talk to me when they need something, is that I am so attention starved, so uselessly egotistical, and so fearful of leaving this private. I dont want people readin it. Yet any time anyone comments I feel like I am a bad person when they comment on me making it private. It sickens me that I cant get the damn balls to keep to it. When the fuck did that happen?

God...Let the anger come. Please. I want something...

But you know. Its sad. I keep writing all these texts to Laura, Alex, Emily, all these different people. Adn telling myself how fucking horrible i am. How if they wanted to talk over these months they would start something...

Then anytime i start talking to people, I want to just say "God i am upset, please lord, listen, help, save me!" but never can...

I am a coward. A true damn coward.

And god, gotta love irony, just the whole of it.

Really am a douchebag eh. I really am.

But it is sad. You know what it probably wrong out of all I say "I dont trust" that is a lie...I cant bring myself to take any forward steps. Its the same end result. But in the end i guess it is a different path.

What am I doing.

God, portal 2 becomes so easy on meds...when not feeling....odd...

I hate myself.

And its funny. Last year I thought i was really close to all my friends, and would try and stay in contact past high school. Now? Alex, Laura, Emily, Whit, Ria, Ben...bout right. Think that is the only group I'd keep in contact with if i could, or at least, who I would want to. Maybe Shawn adn Kasha...oh and Hannah.

But really...What do I know about any of them? I doubt i could answer the most basic things...I barely know my friends. How horrible am I? I think I can name two of those peoples favorite colors...but cant really name much else.

I am so god awful.

Why any of you give a damn and care is beyond my comprehension...