give and take

Its all give and take. Ya know. so funny. I keep just...trading everything away for next shiny thing. Oh i lose something, lets replace it...soulessly...And I try to value everything highly? PAH. Im a hypocrite. I mean, can i even say i've fought as much as i should have for Emily? Alex? Anyone? I dont think so...Hell. What did i do when it got too scary, painful, and hard? oh hey, kasha and Hannah will talk and i havent fucked shit up with them yet...God i am awful with that. Why cant i fight harder, or even just say fucking hi.

And really, my confidence is getting mroe and more shot.

Though I think i am in the depression/apathy/mind fuck from no food and meds leaving.

But you know what is really fucking depressing me? Even if i make a joke, smile, laugh, shrug it off, perfectly understand every bit of why, and know my Dad is trying his best to prevent it...The fact that I may lose my job cause he got promoted is really upsetting me. I know it sounds odd...but the people there are my friends, I do like a few of them...and I know that it is one of the few reasons me and Laura are getting so close again, and having a workable friendship. If it disappeared...i know the friendship would fade some, like the others...

The saddest part...I know I am losing it. Dad says there is a chance, and all this stuff...But it is like every little time, when i just knew "Click, right there, the turning point. Its been decided" i just can tell...there it is. Its gonna disappear.

Bye money. Bye friends. Bye laughs, bye adorable people, bye sweet escape...

I dont know when it will happen. But I just know it will...

And dammit, it really helps me, ya know? Its normally so hard to talk to friends and other people...about anything. I mean hell. Here i am upset, sad, worried. And Alex, one of the few damn fucking people I trust, is right there to talk to. Instead I dont want to annoy her, I dont want to trouble, I dont want...I dont want to take risks and open up to anyone. I dont even know what is going on there. But at work, I just...feel like i have a place, even if some stupid little thing as a cashier, and I have fun talks with people, sure some suck shit, but overall it is not too bad. And I am really beginning to know what i am doing, and find things, and i feel like I could start up on the floor, and maybe get to stock or something, or do more than just cashier, but now...

Its going away from the looks of it...

God, please let me be wrong there. Please with everything going on. Let this be wrong...

but on other thought...Why am I closing so much? Why am I so unable to ask for help, or to just talk and confide in people. Am I still jealous or hurt or whatever? Am I that pathetic? Hah. God, so funny. The idiocy, irony, the everything of this.

Life is easy when ya know whats the issue, eh. Not as much when you still arent sure.

And losing confidence in YGO deck. Joy.

I....Have to think. Calm down. Do work too. I need to...Exist. Coexist. Learn and love....What the hell am i spouting, none of that makes sense.

I guess one other thing that is really fuckin everything up...Is how little I am sure of relating to beliefs. I am starting to view science with more fallacy, view religion with more sincerity and trust...

I dont know.

I feel alone.

Man I am a walkin stereotype, eh?

I guess nothin to do but the same ol same ol. Lets continue tryin to get it right...maybe somewhere along these lines ill succeed...

I think I can...