Okay. Calm down me. Lets list the facts and try and make sense.

Alex, Laura l, Emily, Ben, whit, ria, Hannah are only ones I know I love and consider friends fully.

Tay, Rachel, Casey and most others I like at best. But they are the ones I know I wont keep in touch with later.

Alex. Hopefully Laura. I wish Emily. And above mentioned are only people I can see me talking to out of high school.

I am so scared I don't know who to trust.

In fear of pain and such I've put myself into a form of dissociation so I wont feel.

I am developing a loner complex to offset feeling of loneliness.

I'm breaking from not knowing myself.

If I truly wanted to restart I could hang with Ben Nyquist and Hannah. Just keep in contact with Alex and Laura and others.

I'm closer to online ygo friends than all but first mentioned group of friends.

I don't know what to do.

I am pushing Alex and others away thinking that they don't want me around and I'm not worthy

I honestly may have some disorder...

I hate Spanish.

I...don't know.

I hate myself for how I am hurting them. But once again can't say" I'm sorry" and how I feel. Maybe it is cause last few times I've tried with Emily it failed spectacularly

Sigh.

Feel...dammit feel...pain is better than nothing...