SICKNESS RULES Not.

But kinda funny, i didnt realize how insanely pissed i seem to still be at rachel, said hi to laura, but nothing to her. Worse, i didnt realize or remember that i didnt see Rachel during break, and even worse, I didnt care that i didnt see or talk to her. And then i realized how sad it is I have gotten use to giving Laura reese xD though part is payment for rides since she refuses to accept money (one day Ill make you accept some damn cash laura xD) and because...well it is hilarious seeeing her face. Plus it keeps her from killing me, which she is more inclined to do, especially dealing with me hours upon hours at work. XD

But philosophy time. If you havent noticed, albeit a lot from G.L., I've been thinking about fear a lot recently. And i realize, one inhibition i have about going after that crush o mine, and trying to reconnect with those i have lost, adn fighting for those i hurt...Its because i fear them. Truly and utterly i fear you guys I want to get back with the most. I fear hurting you again. and most of all I fear you few because you are the only ones that still elicit so much feeling from me, only ones who can make me so unbelievably happy, so sad, so hurt, so self conscious.

Man, its strange, thinking about this stuff...How much everything is changing. I mean...I use to love being babied, having stuff to do, having a lifeline, now i hate it. But losing lifelines and safety nets i do have...scares the fuck out of me. I mean, work. I actually really like it, im taking pride, trying to get even better, i want to do more than just cashier there, i wanna be on the floor, help around, all that. And in part, I also dont want to just abuse Dad being the manager for this. I am trying to seperate from him, I dont want special treatment (though his special treatment is making sure i dont get favortism and treating me harder) and I dont want to be "the managers son" I want to be me. I want to succede or fall because of myself, and any help from Dad i want to be as a manager, or something i learned from him. But the idea i might lose dad as a safety net and lifeline (wont go into the explanation of this for a week or so, will explain then) (laura, dont ask me yet please, adn do not mention any part, even the idea of this at all) (or anyone else mention it, dont) scares me a bit. I mean, even if i am trying to seperate from dad...I still have that to fall back on if things go to fuck. But i dont want that. If i mess up there, i want to get in trouble like i deserve. I dont want to be like Deb's kids who get off sucking because of her, or Sam who gets off a bit from Ellen, or even Jessica who does a few things she shouldnt, though she is a great worker and person. (all managers and kids at store for uninformed,)

I dont know, it is kinda always like this. I start off needing to be a follower, then i try to become an equal...I mean hell I did it with Bren in the old Mystery dungeon boards. I idolized him and Shadow, those two where like my mentors, and good friends. I mean, when suddenly, randomly, I became leader of the team (really damn random then) I was confused, and first thing was made Bren a co leader, he accepted me into the team, helped me all the time, and then was like an idol. and right after that I allied with Shadows team (which had another close friend venom) (and yes, there was a complex political spectra in a pokemon faq boards) (it ruled) but slowly I took to feeling capable, learned, like I could actually lead, and view Bren as an equal rather than idol. Same as shadow.

Hell, I did it in YGO with kelly. The man was amazing to me, his blogs taught me to play Plants and helped so much. His word and Toms and Winstons helped me be better, they where idols supremely. But eventually i felt i learned enough and view them as equals...

But that is the issue. Once that happens, I need an idol. I always have tried to find or make idols. Be it fictional characters like Tommy from Power Rangers, or friends I knew like Ron...I've always needed one...

God, it is like scrubs.

And wow, wasn't this just to complain about being sick, and mention how I am more mad at rachel than i thought, side tracking powers go.

I wonder what will happen. I really do.

God, i could do more, but time to put this writing mood towards my essay. I CAN DO THIS