Wow...pathetic....

I just made myself go depressed, for no reason other than to lose the inhabitations i have had when it comes to these blogs recently. Wanting to avoid subjects because they where akward or might offend others.

But i am sick of all this romance crap. Emily wants me, I want Laura. I don't know if i would even date anyone. I dunno what Laura feels. But everyone, every one with a crush or relationship, they want to know how the person they feel for thinks. They want to know "Do you like me" "Should i give up." "is there hope" they want to be accepted, they want to have the hope, or they want to be crushed. They just want to know. But no one ever can just ask the person, even if they know the answer. We people are weak. This whole flawed universe is weak.

And frankly. I don't know one part of my self. I don't know my views on politics, religion, anything. I just try to go by logic, but then, where do i find logic, by whose standards...though Ayn Rands characters are beginning to appeal to me with their words, their logic seems to be good...

And i am also pissed off about pride and ego. If i am modest, and i kill my self esteem, think all my stuff is bad, which tends to be realistic, everyone yells at me. If i then takes their advice, and act superior in any way, even if they say so, they get on my case. Screw it. I suck at everything. I will stick with that.

And damnit. I forgot my fucking pizze at school. DAMNIT >.<

I am getting fed up...sick of life. I will let stress and anger control me today, earlier it was fun. Pizza party, messing around but now i am sick. I don't want any of this. I don't want to feel like a douche with everyhting i do concerning laura. I don't wnat to feel like a douche with everything i do concerning Emily,. Taryn, anyone. I want this all to end. Give me a break. Someone, kill me. I am sick of being just this listless lifeless no one. who can't keep any feeling.

God, why am i like this. Why do i bother. Sure, now i went from being unable to think of love in any way, to now feeling love for friends. And no matter how much i detest the fact, for laura. But none of it is probably love. God, i should just end this pitiful life. Let everyone lose control of me. Lose their grip on me. Or i should just plain and silly stop talking to them. Cut the ties that bond...so much grief...so much trouble, what use are friends?

But the single most agrivating fact is that i know, in a little while i will feel better. I won't hold this amazing depression. I will wnat friends because they are my drugs and let me feel alive for a tiny bit.... it sucks. Why can't i be normal. Why can't i just be a living person. Why can't i feel for people.... Screw it. Ima go read some manga and play FFX...