Well, today sucked, yet i am oddly happy. I hate what happened, but i am happy. Time to post the journal. After i type it. But a forewarning to all. I am thinking i am gonna make my journal private from now on, then after a week or so unprivate one. So others can see.
9:33
Okay, i need to write, if i want to retain sanity and joy. I need to convey thoughts...
Everything seems to be going wrong again. Stress is overtaking me. And this discipline I am trying to install in myself sucks.
I should explain, as i said i have kleptomaniacy, and many other issues. So instead of being a hypocrite and giving advice i don't fgollow i am trying to change. On those tasks like my brace, teeth, rubber bands, and other such things. I am making sure i do. Well, V1 is, he is now a discipline remindeer. And doing a good job. I am also stopping on bother and following laura, basing decisions on other friends too (need to work on this), i am not going to steal anymore, and try not to be as sarcastic and snide.
I will admit, despite what i say, and how i try to act like a superman in these kinds of things, it is not easy. But this is my challenge, screw ADHD, and such, I'm gonna do homework, and become better at life. and I will do it alone, I would love help, b ut it adds pressure and stress, and from that it all causes more harm than good.
And it seems that Scotty and Tay's relationships are going to hell too. Scott has anger, greed, and other issues. Taylor, not sure, too determined for a kiss i hear. At least everyone tells him his relationship issues. nd Scott knows his. ... Better than me. I know nothing. Lucky bastards xD
But Laura has started to go back to anti-everything. I am probably wrong, it is just normality and seems wrong cause we left perfection. But no date this weekend... I need one this month, I hope, some kissing, being told she cares, pure feelings, no thought. It always helps. But i am fine. I won't let V2 place seeds of doubt, i won't let her and MAria planning things in front of me harm me like usual, i won't let sadism and depression take over, i will keep joyous and fine.
I will look on the bright side, I can do yugioh or pokemon this weekend, see Emily or michelle.
But if i remember discipline, train patience, life will work. This helped though. Thank you, good bye.
end 10:25.
Cont. 12:00
And it happened. I got dumped. She says cause i tlaked about liking emilt where friends could see, and she does not like me.
And my feelings are conflicted. I knew it was coming. And i feel horrible. U hate her for bullshitting me, and always saying "i lvoe you". I hate that she askes to break up, not just say so. I hate that all the issues could have been solved with talking. I hate being depressed.
I love her for at least telling me. I am acceptant and content( Yes, content and depressed....What part of conflicting was missed?) I feel love romantically, yet i don't. I am fine as long as we are friends. I wonder if she will ask me out again or not.
Oh well. I feel crappy, yet good. I think emotions are dieing. Again. Heh, told one thing once again, and then lied to with it. In a few hours everything will register, and i will break down. Or something. I will probably zombie about this week. But i am disciplining myself, it was my idiocy that screwed me up. I had no control. That probably contributed. She probably hate me for being physical, i know this, yet i continued. Oh well. I always say i need a hit to realize how bad at something i am. This is it.
Ha. About 13 months i was in relationships. Unlucky thirteen. H,,. I should feel awful, but i will feel good and make myself fine. Le sigh. To hell with the world, to hell with life, i will be joyous, even through strife.
end 12: 18
Cont. 12: 39
I suppose i should tell the story.
So i was eating nachos and she came in, asked if i wanted a pop, so i left my nachos and free cookie (Cause they did not have bosco sticks, i got a free cookies...but the events made my hunger go...i wish i ate that cookie....Damnit.) I knew right there that i was being dumped. That is how she does things. So i asked her what was up, stating she only came to get a pop when she wanted something. She told me she wanted to break up. I asked why and she said "Well, not jealousy, but you talking baout liking another girl where all our friends can see is embaressing" or something to that stature. I offered to take it down, she said no. Then i asked the final question, she said "No, i don't." And then i said fine. (you can guess the question, if you can't...you fail)
Figures, I open up, i get betyrated, Raj, Clint, everyone has left. I thought this would be different. Wrong again.
I liker her still. I wish she was jealous, at least then i would know she cared. And i doubt she will ask out again, like before.
But i complained, I biteched, and essentially asked for this all last month.
And i am torn between anger, sadness, guilt, self-blame, blaming-others. Ugh. I hate myself. If i could feel correctly right now i would off myself. But for now, yay, depression. Fucking life.
ended 12:48
cont. 1:18
I have gone sane. Perfectly sane. I know we are both at fault. And feel fine. If she would ask me out again, i could say yes. If we just stayed friends, fine. I still feel for her, but that can fade if i want it to.
I also realize i must beat this vague perversion coming ot my mind all the time. This unconquerable lust must be conquered. I will break free from its control.
But now I wonder how life will go. Though i still wish all my troubles where not founded on the single fact that no one will just talk and say what is wrong, i iwll deal. I will go home to nape, feel better, and all will be good.
My body still feels horrid. But i am calm. In control. Whatever happens I will feel fine. I just have to stop wishing for dreams that won't happen. As say "'tis better to have loved and lost. than never loved at all." and as JD said, we must take risks, they reward us in the end, and not taking risks never rewards us, taking risks usually pays off.
end 1:29.
Cont. 2:37
Well, I left school early, and i sit here with the puppies, all alone, enjoying life. I feel happy, the weather is good, and i feel fiiiiiiiiiine. Note i don't enjoy being dumped, but i can't change that, and i will remmber the good times. But the weather is changing, i will change with it. I am disciplining myself. I cna change. And i am doing well. I have the world under my hand, and i have friends to help me through. To all i know, whatever i have done, all the strife i put you through, the guilt and blame, i apologize, and if i start being an idiot, or pushing it to far, tell me and i will quit. And this is my last journal to be open (most likely), potentially my last journal for a while. So long!
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