you know, i am so sick and tired of this utter bull. god. whining about friendships fading, not seeing or talkin to people. all the people who said we'd stay best friends. that you'd all be there for me. and youd trust me.
what happened to that? it seems to be bs. all of this wanting friends back, yet trying to talk to you all is like pulling teeth. but maybe it is just cause it is me. but god damn, if i try to confide in most of you its obvious how you really dont care it seems. and now so few of you wll talk to me. and hell. me included, most none of us are going out of our way to try and talk to each other. hell. i am lucky if the most sympathy i get is an awww from someone. otherwise i just get generic "dun worry" "you are over reacting" etc. responses.
but god, what happened to when if i got truly broken like today you all would badger me to try and help, even if i didnt want it, and if all you could do was say you where there for me.
only lee continued to talk to me about it for more than 30 minutes. everyone else, this being a good 8 people, stopped around 30 min.
god why do i not do this anymore. why do none of us do this?
We all want to be close, and sure, a lot has changed, break ups, hook ups, some of see less of everyone than we want, some too many, etc. but what happened to when we instead tried for this stuff. most of us are upset by the distancing, bu god, if we all just tried a little harder...
if i tried a little harder....
aw hell, even if part of this is aimed at others we all know its me telling myself something.
Everyone...i am sorry. i've been pretty bad lately, and honestly will probably stay bad a bit more, sorry for my jealousy of idiotic things, pettyness, stupiity, grouchynss, bipolarness, etc., but just bear with me...and trust me, just if anything let me feel like i still have your trust...and let me lean on you all a bit longer...i will fnd myself, i know i will get better, i needa little time but i will...
i am trying...i swear to you i am, i really am....even if everything is changing, and i cant have everything how it was, i want us to be friends again. i just want the times where we all talked about everything, we could talk about our dates and romances with each other, our grief, sadness, joy, etc. no judging. no anything. no caring about our past relationships of any kind. where we aways had circle up, and most all of us where also talking in private. and we could talk about anything, and we just cared, even if we didnt know what it was, we listened just cause the other cared, and put aside our personal qualms...
or did that time even exist? a i just over draatizing small bits of good....
fuck it, either way. if i have to put on a mask, and even if i dont care i will listen, i will have myself go back to that time...somehow...or make it exist. make it real....I rather be trusted rather than have info spared to save my feelings. i rather know i can tell you guys anything even if you ex girlfriend, ex bromances, ex rivals, or ex deus ex machina, or anything. and have you guys feel the same with me....
but i am probably wanting impossible, over romantising it all...
I really shouldn't post this...
Oh well...
i am doing better...i will heal...
Deity, if you exist...Be there for me once. Just this damn once...
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